As I lay in bed awake tonight tossing and turning, it occurred to me that I should write a post to conclude the tail end of my 24th year. I wasn't sure how much I should share with you all on a blog I hope will someday mean something to people-- other than myself, that is. I know it can be scary and often damning to put ourselves out there for the world to scrutinize on a more personal level, but seeing as I am about to delve into my 25th year headfirst, I felt that I should find some closure to this past year. Maybe telling you all a little about it will help me to relinquish 24 to a part of my past and move on to what's next in store for me.
I've procrastinated and put my entire life on hold these past six to eight months. I haven't been able to figure out what kind of funk I was in. People have asked me whether I've heard back from any jobs I've applied to, whether I'm still planning on moving to Florida, and basically, what it is I'm doing with my life. And I've been feeling ashamed lately, not really wanting to admit how lost I am even if I know that being lost at 24 is supposedly a normal occurrence.
I think my real struggle has been that all of my friends seemed to have left me in this perpetual funk as I've watched them slowly disperse to far off lands to live their (seemingly) fulfilling lives-- whether it be in marriage, trying to have children, seeking job gratification, or simply heading out to find themselves or an unending love. To me, I've been left behind at an unfulfilling job, with a pet pig that presents more problems for me than I care to admit because of my deep affection for him, crippling school debt, and a fear of stepping out into the unknown with no guidance or loved one to hold my hand.
I know talking about my fears and mishaps may make me a bit vulnerable, but if in waltzing blindly into my future trying to figure out what this life wants from me and sharing it helps others, then so be it. We hear so often how our teen years and twenties are so magical and this "great adventure," but I am just ready for a white picket fence, a job I feels means something, a spare bedroom for my makeup collection and one Louis Vuitton.
Is that so much to ask?
I assumed this past year would be the best year of my life. That I would already be moved away. I would have a cute apartment that I decorated by skimming money from my paychecks to buy cute home decor, and basically just a safe place for Jude (my pig) and me. I wanted to be in a new city by now, trying not to search for my soulmate, but hoping to bump into him at some point in the near future. But life had other plans for me this past year.
I dealt with a few very tough things during year 24, which did help me to grow and further develop as an individual, but have also left me bereft and in this "funk" so to speak. I won't bore you with the details of what that included, but I will say that I learned to handle myself with a lot more dignity, grace and class.
I learned to distinguish class from classless, which is a very imperative message.
I granted forgiveness to those who had hurt and humiliated me, and I didn't let that betrayal make me bitter. I think that's the most important thing for us to remember when we've been hurt. I still have a lot of love to give, so one or two people aren't going to rob me of that.
Devastatingly, I also suffered through the most monumental loss of my life when my papaw died. At 24, I learned to better acclimate myself to his physical absence because I realized that while he may not be with me in person, he would be within me, in who I am, for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean I don't still have days where I talk to him as if he can hear me, or cry because my heart feels such a deep loss that it physically aches, but I have learned that it's not about the physical presence of him as much as the legacy of love and wisdom he left me. I can still see the love in his baby blue eyes when I showed up at his house for a visit. The pure satisfaction that only a grandchild could afford him. Those things will remain with me forever. The selfless way he loved and opened up to us before his final days are a prime example of pure love and adoration. I am thankful to have had a grandfather who loved me so much that it felt and still feels tangible.
Since his death, I have spent much more time with my mamaw, who actually had the nickname "Snookie" before Jersey Shore. Like my papaw, she's been such an integral part in who I am. I treasure her more than most everyone in my life, even though Alzheimer's is steadily transforming her and opening her family up to another ugly and painful side of life.
As I held her hand last night and spoke loving words to her with her sweet, but ailing mind, I felt blessed all the same. Regardless of what that wretched disease takes from us, I know that her unending love will always be enough. And if there ever does come a day when she forgets who I am and what she means to me, I will cling to the memories of the strong and loving woman who I know loves me.
I don't know where this next year of my life will take me. I hope it's somewhere more spontaneous and personally fulfilling than any other. I am nowhere near who or where I want to be. I have so much I want out of my life, despite being scared and a bit lost most of the time.
I guess in closing I just want to say that while I did struggle this past year, I came out on top. I overcame the obstacles thrown at me. I started this blog, which I am working on further developing and making a more reliable beauty source, got more professional makeup experience, found my perfect foundation shade after years of picking the wrong shade unknowingly, and drew nearer to God.
My goals for this 25th year are to find a career I can be proud of, a home for Jude and me, develop a more professional blogging website, and to be able to fully support myself without my parents' help.
Let's reevaluate this on the eve of my next birthday, y'all. It's okay to take a while finding yourself; I am.
It's now 5:05 in the morning and I have birthday plans with my family for tomorrow, so I better at least aim for a few hours of sleep!
xx
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