It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..

As I lay in bed awake tonight tossing and turning, it occurred to me that I should write a post to conclude the tail end of my 24th year. I wasn't sure how much I should share with you all on a blog I hope will someday mean something to people-- other than myself, that is. I know it can be scary and often damning to put ourselves out there for the world to scrutinize on a more personal level, but seeing as I am about to delve into my 25th year headfirst, I felt that I should find some closure to this past year. Maybe telling you all a little about it will help me to relinquish 24 to a part of my past and move on to what's next in store for me.

I've procrastinated and put my entire life on hold these past six to eight months. I haven't been able to figure out what kind of funk I was in. People have asked me whether I've heard back from any jobs I've applied to, whether I'm still planning on moving to Florida, and basically, what it is I'm doing with my life. And I've been feeling ashamed lately, not really wanting to admit how lost I am even if I know that being lost at 24 is supposedly a normal occurrence. 

I think my real struggle has been that all of my friends seemed to have left me in this perpetual funk as I've watched them slowly disperse to far off lands to live their (seemingly) fulfilling lives-- whether it be in marriage, trying to have children, seeking job gratification, or simply heading out to find themselves or an unending love. To me, I've been left behind at an unfulfilling job, with a pet pig that presents more problems for me than I care to admit because of my deep affection for him, crippling school debt, and a fear of stepping out into the unknown with no guidance or loved one to hold my hand.

I know talking about my fears and mishaps may make me a bit vulnerable, but if in waltzing blindly into my future trying to figure out what this life wants from me and sharing it helps others, then so be it. We hear so often how our teen years and twenties are so magical and this "great adventure," but I am just ready for a white picket fence, a job I feels means something, a spare bedroom for my makeup collection and one Louis Vuitton. 

Is that so much to ask? 

I assumed this past year would be the best year of my life. That I would already be moved away. I would have a cute apartment that I decorated by skimming money from my paychecks to buy cute home decor, and basically just a safe place for Jude (my pig) and me. I wanted to be in a new city by now, trying not to search for my soulmate, but hoping to bump into him at some point in the near future. But life had other plans for me this past year. 

I dealt with a few very tough things during year 24, which did help me to grow and further develop as an individual, but have also left me bereft and in this "funk" so to speak.  I won't bore you with the details of what that included, but I will say that I learned to handle myself with a lot more dignity, grace and class. 

I learned to distinguish class from classless, which is a very imperative message.

I granted forgiveness to those who had hurt and humiliated me, and I didn't let that betrayal make me bitter. I think that's the most important thing for us to remember when we've been hurt. I still have a lot of love to give, so one or two people aren't going to rob me of that. 

Devastatingly, I also suffered through the most monumental loss of my life when my papaw died. At 24, I learned to better acclimate myself to his physical absence because I realized that while he may not be with me in person, he would be within me, in who I am, for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean I don't still have days where I talk to him as if he can hear me, or cry because my heart feels such a deep loss that it physically aches, but I have learned that it's not about the physical presence of him as much as the legacy of love and wisdom he left me. I can still see the love in his baby blue eyes when I showed up at his house for a visit. The pure satisfaction that only a grandchild could afford him. Those things will remain with me forever. The selfless way he loved and opened up to us before his final days are a prime example of pure love and adoration. I am thankful to have had a grandfather who loved me so much that it felt and still feels tangible. 

Since his death, I have spent much more time with my mamaw, who actually had the nickname "Snookie" before Jersey Shore. Like my papaw, she's been such an integral part in who I am. I treasure her more than most everyone in my life, even though Alzheimer's is steadily transforming her and opening her family up to another ugly and painful side of life. 

As I held her hand last night and spoke loving words to her with her sweet, but ailing mind, I felt blessed all the same. Regardless of what that wretched disease takes from us, I know that her unending love will always be enough. And if there ever does come a day when she forgets who I am and what she means to me, I will cling to the memories of the strong and loving woman who I know loves me.

I don't know where this next year of my life will take me. I hope it's somewhere more spontaneous and personally fulfilling than any other. I am nowhere near who or where I want to be. I have so much I want out of my life, despite being scared and a bit lost most of the time. 

I guess in closing I just want to say that while I did struggle this past year, I came out on top. I overcame the obstacles thrown at me.  I started this blog, which I am working on further developing and making a more reliable beauty source, got more professional makeup experience, found my perfect foundation shade after years of picking the wrong shade unknowingly, and drew nearer to God.

My goals for this 25th year are to find a career I can be proud of, a home for Jude and me, develop a more professional blogging website, and to be able to fully support myself without my parents' help. 

Let's reevaluate this on the eve of my next birthday, y'all. It's okay to take a while finding yourself; I am. 

It's now 5:05 in the morning and I have birthday plans with my family for tomorrow, so I better at least aim for a few hours of sleep! 

xx 

  

Five Lifelong Lessons I Learned from College

Upon reflection on how much of a mess my life is as of late, I felt that a post on this topic seemed fitting. There are an array of things I discovered during college, but college was never ultimately the place where I would find myself. No, there is still so much left on my journey to self-discovery, but those four years were vital to the journey. It was my first step down that path of figuring out who I am and what I want most out of life. 

As basic as they may be, I have devised a mini list of the five most inherent lifelong lessons I learned as a college student. Seeing as I have been out of college nearly three years, I've had time to decipher them. And I'd like to share them with you, because--like me--you face an indecisive, solo journey into becoming who you are meant to be. And frankly, sometimes it can be scary and lonely.

1. Enjoy and embrace solitude.

My junior year of college was the first one my boyfriend (of over a year) and I were managing a long-distance relationship. All of my friends already had roommates, so I ended up finding some girls to live with via Craigslist. I know, right? Craigslist has been known to have killers, but these girls were luckily just college students. 

One of the girls basically lived at her boyfriend's place, so we hardly saw her. And the other one ended up moving back home for her blossoming relationship at the end of fall semester. So, here I was, for the first time, forced to live by myself. 

It was definitely a big adjustment for me. I'm shy until I know people, but I'm also social and like being around others, and I'd never been on my own before. Suddenly, I was doing grocery shopping alone, listening to the noisy neighbors alone, cooking and stocking my cabinets alone, turning out all the lights for bedtime alone, and just plain alone. 

I spent weeks crying over my boyfriend not being there, over living alone and coming home to an empty space. I never went out and partied much during college because it wasn't my prerogative, so I didn't even have that to keep me "out of the house" so-to-speak. 

Towards the end of that semester, my roommate and her pot-smoking boyfriend starting sleeping at my apartment, and by then I'd adjusted to my solitude and found myself annoyed that they didn't continue staying at his place. That semester was so vital to my self-growth. I learned that I could make it on my own: that I enjoyed having my private space, I could clean how and when I wanted, and I could wonder into my kitchen in my underwear to get a late night snack if the mood struck. I'd never had that before, so naturally, I reveled in it.

I am currently looking to move to a whole new state, and I'm determined to live by myself when I do. I'm anxious to have my own space to decorate and call home. But those vital moments of aloneness in college gave me the courage and insight into what it felt like to be truly independent. I am thankful for that.

2. Going to college doesn't give you all of the answers. 

From a young age, my parents stressed to my sister and me how important college was. They both only had Associate's Degrees, and they wanted us to get a good college education so we could find good jobs.

Like the dutiful daughter and studious adolescent I was, I enrolled in college at Virginia Tech. My friends were all going to college. And after high school, it seemed like the obvious next step. We all just kind of filed into our new schools that fall seeking the same things: success, answers, direction. 

But what our parents and our guidance counselors and teachers failed to explain to us, was that just because you get a college degree doesn't mean you'll walk away with a diploma and the answers to leading a fulfilling life. 

I graduated in 2012 with a B.A. in English with a concentration in Professional Writing, which covers an array of technical and business writing skills, grant writing, publishing and design. But here I am, almost three years later, with not much to show for and a passion for something else entirely. If I'd known what my calling was in fall of 2008, I may have taken a different route. I don't regret my years at VT because I know it was meant for me. That school still feels like home, but it's also proof that I was just as clueless as the next student. For our entire lives we are in school, so obviously when school is over, many of us struggle with "what's next?" 

When I graduated, I was strong, more independent, smarter and more cultured, but I still didn't have a clue where my road would take me. And most days, I'm still aimlessly seeking my destination. 

3. People are not always going to operate under the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" mantra.

I had to learn this one the hard way. Growing up in a small town, I was always nice and polite to people. I got the "Friendliest" superlative in high school, and I assumed that being nice to people warranted respect in return. 

I learned really quickly that is not the case. Some people are just rotten. I don't know if they just don't have a conscience or what, but some people just don't care who they mow down. We have to learn to speak up and stand up for ourselves, or people will always mow us down to suit themselves.  

I'm not saying not to trust anyone ever (I'm not going to be a woman scorned), but we have to draw the line between being nice and being taken advantage of.

4. It's okay to derive your own meaning from college. 

Yes, I know. College is supposed to be all about partying and "living it up." But not everyone likes to party five days a week. Some of us like to read books, spend weekends curled up under fuzzy blankets watching movies, or plan hikes and dinner dates with friends. 

You may feel like you have to live up to some standard of how college is meant to be, but that's not true at all. Just like in anything, some of us like to drink and be party animals and some of us don't. Whether you are a party animal or a homebody, neither is wrong. We are all unique individuals. And if college is the foundation on which you begin your mission of self-discovery, then you should find personal definition in what college means to you. 

What will you take away from it? What will you spend your time doing during college, and how does that satisfy you? Regardless, being true to yourself and your own needs and desires are what is going to lead you down the right road. We are all in the same boat, all learning along the way, trying to find our rightful place in the world. Have fun, experiment, and just find a balance between studying and what makes you happy.

5. My journey is uniquely my own and will never mirror another's.

Sometimes, when I am feeling a bit lost on this journey as a twenty-something, I start to compare where I am in my life to where my friends are in their own. I find myself struggling to cope with the fact they are already married, already have their dream job, or are travelling the world while I'm stuck stationary at a desk every week. 

And it was something I dealt with in college as well. It's always easy to look at someone in your same major of study and compare their extracurriculars to yours, their success in and out of class, and wonder how you'll ever get the job you want with people like him/her to compete with. While I did have extracurriculars and good grades, I still doubted myself because I am only human.

I am here to tell you, though, that your journey is uniquely yours. You will never be on the same path as your friends or classmates or colleagues, because we all have different purposes or callings. My friends who have the same degree as me are all doing different things, many of which are just amazing! And no, I'm not jealous, I'm simply old enough to recognize that my road winds a different way than theirs. And so does yours! 

I hope this post resonates with some of you and gives you some insight like it has me. 

xx