Giving One's Heart to God

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to publicly share so much of my current inner-struggle, but here I am, about to delve into my personal business once again. I figure if I can be so blatantly bold and put myself out there, then I will build more character, find more courage and conjure more humility-- three things which I think you can never work on enough. 

I just want to share my life with you, so maybe somewhere out there someone won't feel so alone. Beauty blog or not, I made the Personal tab for a reason. While it seems that not one of my friends is battling this same transitional war, I know that someone out there is bound to be dealing with likewise circumstances. My blog isn't a very public one, seeing as it is slightly new and very hidden among all of the flashy, ad decorated and celebrity ones online. But that doesn't mean that what I have to say is any less important. 

No, this blog is a hidden gem. 

God gave me a way with words. I'm not one to brag or babble on about myself, but I do feel that I am a wordy person, an individual who knows how to string a slew of words together and make them meaningful. It is a gift. And sometimes, I've felt it was a curse when I slapped much more meaning behind my words than a person deserved or could appreciate.
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A few weeks ago I saw a post from a friend on Facebook, giving God credit and all the glory for the progress she'd made on her weight loss journey. At the time, I was feeling disgusted with myself and felt like giving up, because I'd seen so many others shedding their un-wanted weight when nothing I'd done had gotten me any closer to healthy. I had tried harder than most anybody for the last year-and-a-half without any fruition. Blood work and check-ups had told me that I didn't have any underlying health issues, so why could I not see any progress after months of hard work? 

And for months now, God had been filling my heart with a conviction. I'd ignored it up until I saw her post, but something about her message spoke to me. And even though I felt that the Holy Spirit was trying to channel and open my heart again, I just didn't want commitment to anything but myself and my worldly desires. I'd been raised in a Christian home, and I'd decided some years back that I didn't want my life restricted by the ironclad/stringent moral standard my Baptist upbringing had lent to me. I wanted to define my standards and live my life free and independently. I'd never stopped believing in God, but I had shoved Him away to seek my own selfish way. I kept my prayers to a minimum, only crying out to Him when in dire need, but not on a daily basis.

I wasn't deliberately trying to live an ungodly life, but when we stray away from our Father, we are able to one day look back and see just how far we've fallen away from the only being our souls truly need. 

Upon reading my friend's post, I thought and thought about what she'd said. And I realized, that the reason I was unable to lose weight, was struggling to find the right path to take next in my career, felt so indecisive and lost, was because I was trying to make my own plans and live my own life without my Heavenly Father. I was trying to choose my own way, rather than accept the amazing path He already had mapped out for me. I was so caught up in trying to "be my own boss" that I failed to recognize that I am only human. I'm fallible and flawed, and that the only way I could hope to see resilience was if my faith in my God remained. 

Since this is such a huge and recent discovery, I have only been realigning my life for about a week now, but in such a short time I have felt moderate relief and slightly less alone. I have been praying daily and making time to sit down for a daily devotional from my Jesus Calling Devotional Journal by Sarah Young. I even have the matching Bible, and I highly recommend any of her devotionals, which make it seem as if God is speaking directly to you. 

I will be the first to tell you that I do not think religion is defined by denomination, who is a "better" Christian, or how we worship. I feel like my prayers, my devotion and opening my Bible to read the scripture, are just as crucial to my well-being and spiritual growth as the scripted lessons one receives from a Sunday School class. As long as a person believes in Christ and has accepted Him into his/her heart, the person is redeemed.

For the longest time, I felt that nobody could possibly understand my internal struggle. While most of my friends were given direction from where a significant other or killer job opportunity took them, I felt that I had to make such pivotal life choices on my own. I don't know if any of you have ever been in that situation before, but it's a lot for a twenty-something's shoulders. 

A few months ago I started considering a Master's Degree. I hadn't given it much thought when I graduated with my B.A. a few years back, but a call from one of those commercially televised online universities opened me up to the idea. It felt surreal to me to jump right back into another degree, racking up even more school loan debt. But the more I considered it, the less absurd furthering my education seemed. I actually ended up getting accepted to the online university, but have chosen to seek my education from a more sound and prestigious school. Basically, a school with a standard physical campus. 

And ever since, I've been consistently handing my weight loss concerns over to God, asking him to guide my path in my job hunt and graduate school, I feel even more sure that going back to school is the right thing for me. It is so early yet, but I can feel that God is already planting seeds in my mind and working in my life. I still don't know what job I'll end up with or how long it will take me to lose this weight, but I do know now that I have accepted that I still need God to carry my burdens, that he will do just that. 

I don't anticipate that my journey will be an easy one. I don't expect it to be. But I do know that as long as I don't lose sight of who I belong to and what He is capable of, I will never have to bear it alone. 

They do say that nothing worth having is easy, and even with God's help, this still rings true.

Deuteronomy 31:6 is such a frequently used verse, but positively reinforces the idea that God is always present.

Even when we resist Him as I did, He never truly leaves us. I think He walks behind us, allowing us to explore and stumble and sputter, only to find that we do, in fact, NEED HIM. He doesn't give us anything we haven't prayed or asked for, so naturally we find ourselves hitting brick wall after brick wall. Until one day, He places someone (like my friend) in our paths to show us that our lives can be incredible and nothing short of wondrous if we only ask Him to help us embrace it. 

My mom told me once that God only allows His children to wander so far away before He places obstacles and circumstances in our lives that will draw us back to Him. I believe that with my whole heart. All of these struggles I've been having were just God's way of saying, "You've been gone from me far too long. Draw nearer to me again, and I will guide you into new and undiscovered waters." The niggling conviction I had for months hadn't yet turned my life around, so he placed a special and godly woman in my path to remind me of what I had been neglecting.

I know my post is a little premature, so I don't really have rapid weight loss or an acceptance to grad school or a killer job to show for it, but I do have my faith and trust in my Savior. I am confident that if I lean on Him, pray for strength and that resilience I so need when challenged, that He will help me to realize my dreams and grasp my heart's desires. 

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the Desires of your heart." 

I don't know what my readers will think of this post, how many people it will reach, or if it will even help one person. But today after I messaged the girl whose post touched my heart, she said that she knew if her testimony helped one person it would be worth it. 

I am so grateful to God for placing it on her heart to share her story. I hope her story does help more people, but I am grateful to her for being the one soul who was worth it! So, I am hoping and praying by sharing my story with you, I will touch someone's life as her message did mine. 

We are never ever lost without a reason. And if we are lost, it's usually because we're seeking fulfillment and love and direction that only God can provide. I am so excited to see how God works in my life now that I've rededicated myself to Him. I am grateful to serve a forgiving and glorious Savior who loves me so much that He's giving me another chance to make it right, to see another day.